August 18, 2003

today is riley senait wallis’ 11th birthday. what a blessing she is to us. she has been with us for about 4 months now and has adjusted to a new world very well, she is speaking english well enough to communicate anything she wants. she is becoming a sister to her new siblings ver well and she is beginning to express who she is in our family. thank you Lord for giving her to us.

also, lately i have been feeling like the kid who always get picked last for kick ball or
whatever game is being played. i have tried to join in with groups over the past few years on many different fronts. for some reason i keep ending up on the outside looking in. i see people enjoying each other in ways i wish i could and am starting to wonder what is wrong with me. am i too caustic? do i have too many kids? am i just hard to be around? do i speak my mind too freely? am i forcing things that just aren’t there? i don’t know the answer, so if you can help let me know.

dont get me wrong i am not depressed, just a little frustrated and confused. is God trying to push me to places i dont want to go, or is he telling me to get ready for a life of outsidedness. at times i feel a prophet and that this is my lot. speaking the words/ideas/truth God gives to me, but then i realize i’m not that lofty. not sure what or why this is coming out, well maybe i do, i dont know. Lord i would ask that you heal the pain/wounds that are there for whatever reason. I have so much to be thankful for, like my wife and the fact that i am still madly in love with her after 21 years (its our anniversery the 21st), all my kids. watching my oldest, jacob become wiser than i will ever be. so much to just sit and marvel at that God has let me be a part of. but as bono sings, “i still haven’t found what i’m looking for”


August 11, 2003

it is cecilias fourth birthday wednesday and we had a little party for our princess tonight. what a gift from God she is!


August 08, 2003

frank, linda and amy doiron where here sunday to tuesday. they drove 20 hours from manitoba to see us. we had a wonderful time of talking and encouraging each other.
thanks frank, linda and amy for such a wonderful time, it was a joy to have you here.

one thing frank brought up was the idea that we need to relearn how to serve each other. it seems for me that he is right. we spend so much of our time fixing ourselves ro filling our heads with information that we lose track of those around us and the pain they are in. not sure how to do this right now. maybe i start with my own family, at times we dont do a very good job serving each other. the kids want to tattel on each other not seeing their own complicity in the situation they are reporting. me needing my time and not interacting enough with the kids and so on. we played cards with three of our older children last night and at times the game was surrounded with a level of contempt that was saddening. at one point my 12 year old daughter was in tears from comments her brother and father had made. it is hard to step back and put others first in our relationships. yet we need to do it or we will never connect to each other fully